I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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