I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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