I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
