i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
