First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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