lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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