Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
