i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
