I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
