This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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