I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
