i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
