Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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