he puts the penis in happiness.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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