Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
