No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
