dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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