I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
