I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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