Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
