I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
