Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
