i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
