she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
