onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
