I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
