"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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