My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
