I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
