Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
