The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Randomize
