the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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