Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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