my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
