I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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