im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
