Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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