and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
