is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He better not be in your backpack
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
