I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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