I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
