Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize