just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
