Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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