i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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