Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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