is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
