He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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