oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I think people are normalizing furries
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
