He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
