it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
