One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
