I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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