So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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