I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
