I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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