But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
