Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
